News 28/02/06
Church split - death to the infidels!!
Well, it was bound to happen, such a serious divergence in beliefs
over something so fundamental was inevitably going to cause a rift.
Last Thursday morning, following the usual Wednesday feasting, the
spiritual leaders of the Holy Church of Pantsology all gathered to
try and resolve the important theological divisions that have developed
in recent weeks. As is usual on a Thursday morning heads were sore
and tempers flared.
While the holy and pure believers in Mad Jack (Piss Be Upon Him)
all agreed that the "Sherry Thursday" event clearly taught
us pragmatism the evil and degenerate followers of Gusset
El-Yfront maintained that this was a prescriptive action, and to prove
the point they all produced a bottle of inexpensive fortified wine
and started drinking. There were angry words and a degree of fisticuffs,
eventually the El Yfront contingent were ejected and have formed their
own church.
After consultation with Mad
Jack (Piss be Upon Him) the Thursday Tipplers have been named "Shite"
Pantsologists, as Mad Jack (Piss Be Upon Him) when asked his guidance
declared it all to be "Shite". The true Holy Church of Pantsology
shall be known as Sonny Pantsologists as Mad Jack (Piss Be Upon Him)
then put his arm around Krusty-Thongback and said "Awrite Sonny,
lend ush a quid.."
There have been a number of
unpleasant incidents over the weekend where Shites and Sonnys clashed.
Tensions are rising. On Monday a group of Sonny extremists bombed
a Shite shrine, the Fortified Wine counter at Quicksave. Shites took
to the streets in protest.
On a positive note however followers are still flocking to the Holy
Church of Pantsology, some 600 of the 5000 world religions have become
extinct as their followers have switched their allegiance to Mad Jack
(Piss Be Upon Him).
A Church of England spokesman said "If this carried on we will
just have to shut up shop and go home". A spokesman for European
Muslims has declared "If only our religion wasn't such a load
of old bollocks, then we might stand a chance against the infidel
Pantsologist devils!" shortly before blowing himself to pieces
in an empty field, to prove a point apparently. A Hindu spokesperson
has been heard to say "Holy Cow these Pantsologists are everywhere!"
and the Vatican, in an attempt to compete, declared "Free wine
and bread for everyone!" and has apparently been debating whether
donner kebab meat could be included in the Communion.
News 12/02/07
We rule!
Just say no to Gays and Women!
Well, it's almost a year since the last update and what a year it
has been! 90% of the world's religions have been wiped out, unable
to compete with the faster, more dynamic Pantsologist dogma.
There has been some bloodshed, well.. OK there has been a LOT of
bloodshed. Death, torture and human rights abuses on a horrific scale,
all of which puts us on a par with the big boys. We are nearly in
the same league as the Catholics and Muslims now, so a big thankyou
to all of our psychotic followers out there, without your devotion
and sociopathic tendencies we would still be a smalltime player on
the world religious scene.
Unfortunately we do not seem to have the levels of mindless bigotry
required to attract followers from the fundamentalist ranks of Christianity
and Islam, so at a recent meeting of the top clerics we decided that
we needed some more "interpretation" of the holy words of
Mad Jack (piss be upon him) in order to have a pop at women and people
of any sexual orientation other than tediously straight. Luckily Jack,
while in conversation with the Gods one night near Christmas, was
overheard saying "Fuggin pooftas, yer fuggin pooftas" to
a group of passing paramedics and "Fagginsluts, fagginaskingforit"
to a group of female estate agents on a works do.
So apparently it is now fine to rape any woman out without a male
escort and stone gays to death... Yay for us!
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